(a man named Steve is standing in front of a door)
(a man walks up to Steve)
Man one – is this the bathroom?
Steve – yeah, go right in.
(another man walks up to him)
Man two – is this the bathroom?
Steve – yeah, go right in.
(another man walks up to him)
Man three – is this the bathroom?
Steve – yeah, go right in.
(another man named Carl walks up to him)
Carl – is this the bathroom?
Steve – yeah, go right in.
(Carl is about to walk in, stops, and turns around)
Carl – hey why are you standing here?
Steve – well you know to make sure no one walks in on anyone and other stuff.
Carl – what other stuff?
Steve – well you know…..drugs or have a little fun, if you know what I mean.
(both laugh)
Carl – wow I guess people are strange like that!
Steve – yeah…..yeah….they are…
(Carl walks into the bathroom and walks out five seconds later)
(Carl looks at Steve)
Carl – um…..I don’t know if you know this….
(Steve looks puzzled)
Carl – there is…..um…. a vampire in there eating people
(pause)
Carl – I’m serious there are three dead bodies in there and a vampire eating them
Steve – well…..yeah. how’d you get out?
Carl – wait! you knew there was a vampire in there and you didn’t stop me from going in there?!
Steve – look buddy don’t yell at me, I’m just doing my job.
Carl – doing your job? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR JOB??
Steve – to tell people this is the bathroom and let them get eaten by the vampire. then when he’s full I tell them the bathrooms taken. Again, how’d you get out?
Carl – what? YOUR JOB IS TO LURE PEOPLE TO THEIR DEATHS? Fuck you!! and you know when you yell at a waitress for making the food wrong then she can say I’m just doing my job don’t yell at me because it’s the cooks fault, but I am going to yell at you because it was you who just stood idly by while I was about to be eaten!!
Steve – look…. he told me if I didn’t do this he would eat my entire family….
Carl – oh…I’m so sorry….
Steve – yeah….Now how did you get out?
Carl – um…..apparently he’s……..full…..
Steve – oh well I guess I have to kill you now
Carl – what? why?
Steve – because you saw the vampire. I was suppose to stop you from going in but I didn’t. so now you die.
Carl – fuck you! that’s your fault.. you die
Steve – well then who would do my job?
(vampire comes out soaked in blood)
vampire – now what’s all this commotion out here?
Carl – this guy is trying to kill me!!
vampire – now Steve why are you going to kill him?
Steve – Because he saw you!! I mean think about it, he sees you and then goes and tells the authorities. Then you get hunted down and kill. Then I lose my job. Then who’s going to feed my kids?
Vampire – Well when you have a point you have a point.
Carl – Wait!! You just said that you did this job because if you didn’t he (points to the vampire) will eat your entire family!
Vampire – Oh come on Steve! you know I would never do anything like that. you need to stop lying about this shit.
Steve- I know, but honestly what am I suppose to say, “I like my job and I don’t care that I send people to be eaten by a vampire”? It sounds crazy!!
Carl – BECAUSE IT IS CRAZY!!
Vampire – Hey! You know, I know it sounds crazy, but a vampire’s got to eat and someone has to help me out.
Steve – And that’s why I’m here…and he (points to Carl) needs to die.
Carl – NO!! You die and I’ll take your job!
Vampire – Well that does seem like a fair compromise. I mean, Steve, it is your fault he has to die. You stand there to lure people in AND stop people from coming in when I’m full.
Steve – But do you really want to go through the training process again?
Vampire – Oh very true!! Sorry Carl.
Carl – Why would I need train…
(Vampire eats Carl)
Vampire – well, that was very annoying.
Steve – I know.
Vampire – well see you tomorrow Steve.
(the vampire walks out of the diner and immediately burst into flames)
Steve – Oh shit! I forgot, I’m also responsible for reminding him not to go out in the sunlight. Oh well.
(Steve leaves the diner whistling)
END