COMEDY SPECIAL TITLES
From Ballin’ to Broke
DND STATS IN THE MIDDLE OF JOKES
Stepped in dog shit, intelligence -1
got the girl, charisma +1
fell off the waterfall, self worth, 0
cha cha that pussy, strength +2
ONE LINERS
You ever go into a room and forget why you went in there.
Its funny how you do stuff and don’t really realize it until its over.
My girlfriend doesn’t believe me and now i’m single.
I’m an emotional hermaphrodite
STARTING SKIT
Stand Up? Fuck it, SIT DOWN!!
Great job, if only……
Sit down
Stage
Mic
Spotlight guy
Loud ass crowd
CRAYON COLORS
Blizzard blue, radical red, hot magenta?
Slow student salmon
Glue gulping green
Your adopted yellow
WEED
God’s Nyquil
Green
Sticky
Cough when it works
Then you pass out
REVERSE FART
Too relaxed and leaning
confusion
Man queef?
Fart out of my guch?
Ball jiggle
Machine gun fart – tickle
RELATIONSHIP RAPIDS
think you are having a fun trip
she asks one question, you fuck up
the river gets a little bumpy
you look forward, shes gone and there are dark clouds in the sky
the water gets rough
then you see it
low blow branches
relationship destroying rocks
ends with the waterfall of “I’m sooooorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy”
HOW SAYING WORDS FOR TOO LONG MAKE THEM DIRTY
They sound Dirrrrrttttttyyyyy
Wanna come Houssssssssseeeee
JEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!
HOW TO BUTTER YOUR POPCORN feat. Ashley Temple Hawk
-bass line (BA-nat)
first get to the butter, make sure its sallllllllll-tay
-bass line (boo boo boo bobaBA-nat)
then you get your popcorn out with a long long straw
-hi hats (chicka chicka chicka chicka)
put that straw on the butter nozzle REEEEAAALLLL TIGHT!!
-bass line (BA-nat)
Put the straw DEEP into your popcorn bag
-hi hats (chicka chicka chicka chicka)
As far as it will go
-bass line (boo boo boo bobaBA-nat)
And hit that butter button like never before!
-synth adds in
OH YEAH now slide out you butter dripping straw, real slow
-all three get louder
And right when the tip is almost out, hit the top of the popcorn with a layer of warm, salty, gooeyness that is you Buttering your Popcorn!
-all quite down
-chimes
ANIME
You thought you were prejudice before, watch anime. Guys looks like girls and the girls look like guys. Its hard to get into sometimes though. My girl just kept asking me questions. “Whos he?” I don’t know “Why is he sparklying?” I don’t know. “Why are you watching?”
God damn it! Because the warden needs to keep this asshole in prison otherwise he will lose his job.
Thats when it hit me who cares about trans people fuck it who cares.
Im trying to figure out if Im rooting for the glowing prison warden or the sparkily asshole trying to escape.
VALENTINES DAY
Man I will tell you one thing, there is a time when women really should know there place, and it is specific. Stay the fuck out of my business when im not dating you! You can get all up in your family’s biz, you boyfriend or husband, and even your close friends. But stay the fuck out of mine. I mean, seriously, I work with five women and no other men. Anytime I say another woman’s name its like I cheated on all of them. “Who is she? How do you know her? Is it serious or is this another flick we put our hearts into?” DAMN STAY OUT! I understand… you care… that’s all. And I appreciate it but there is a day that just sucks to be alone on and it’s VD. Sorry for you happy people in the crowd that’s Valentines day. I’m not saying you got to be with someone all the time but after a while you just want to hang with you friends, drink some beers, have some pizza, and watch some fucking Finding Dory. One of my coworkers asked why I don’t just do that alone and I’m like because… it’s sad.
(Trump Voice, from now on) SAD! IT’S SAD! Eating pizza, drinking beer, all alone. SAD! It’s sadder than when Dory forgets her parents. OOPS! Spoiler. Sorry, it was a great twist and I knew it from the beginning! It was the greatest twist in movie history! Its bigly better than that M. Night shame a lame guy. Loser! He’s not even American, he’s out! He made the Last Airbender, the worst bombing Americans have had to suffer through ever. I know.
(Pause)
Have you seen that shitty movie?
GOOGLE IS GOD
Google has all the answers but never tells you which is the right one, if you don’t understand it thats your problem, it wont do shit for you, google is god.
?????????
Will never go to jail for pussy
pussy may be the only reason i go to jail
my cat is a bitch
whiskers you suck
women dont want me to fuck them
WEIRD NEWS REPORTS
govt wont tell you about propaganda about the govt and all the saints
but at 6 they will tell you how to get high on sniffing paints
VIN DIESEL WORST “SOFT GUY” ACTOR
Vin – Keep your head up Timmy. You tried your best.
Timmy – But we lost.
Vin – Yeah and if you lose again I’ll kill you.
Timmy – What?
Vin – I mean, I love you…to death.
(Vin kills Timmy)
STUPID STD
I hope being stupid isn’t an STD. Because I would need to get tested. I spent way too much time trying to become smart for pussy to make me retarded.
FRIEND TV SHOW
People say that life is a movie that you are the main character of. But I like to think of it as me being the viewer of tv shows and being friends with someone is like watching their show. I say this because as soon as that shit gets boring I cancel that shit real quick. Oh you got two kids and have a husband, yeah cancelled. Why? Because you got rid of the tits and blow jobs. Ill just back in if this boring shit passes. Til then I’m gonna watch this new show called Tami. Yeah, it has a double D rating and it come every night. Watch it now on the HOE network.
36 is old
36 is old
Fuck people half his age
Cop goes ew
Dip his toe in kiddie pool
Talk about teens fucking
He can bring girl to bar
Id is vertical but I keep her horizontal
I’m brit bitch and I’m on me Thomas dick, haha it rythmed
Conversation during sex
Can now have fun babysitter sex
Just give her a big tip
That’s why I still have sex with women my age
Sophomores have there shit together
Call down it’s a joke
I can only use it for 5 more years
The has bleak future
Thrown away like old condoms in a 55 yo women’s drawer
Now joke is sad
It thought it had a future
Madison square garden, Netflix, immortality
Nope just me using it and then selling it like a whore
Anyway he’s old, your all confused on what the fuck just happened, and I’m Tejas Desai.
Throat fuck a bitch
Taco bell commercial
“Have you even had some thing taken from you that you didn’t want to have”
Vending machine why is there brail on there if you can’t see what the snack is.
Saw Chappell he sucked
I waited 15 years and it was bad
Like if tupac came back from Cuba and started mumble rapping
People thinking I’m Aziz ansari is like people comparing Enrique Iglesias to Gabrielle Iglesias
CHA CHA THAT PUSSY
NIGGA BURGER
STAR WARS DAY